To Be or Not To Be… “That girl”

September 1st, 2015

Q: I am entering my second year in college and it is hard to keep up with all the demands of class work, volunteer work, extracurricular activities, friends, parties, boys and more parties and more boys. In order to fit in, I’ve done a lot of things I said I would never do, my grades have suffered, as have my friendships. I’m lonely and unfulfilled. These late nights don’t even seem worth the time, just long nights of drinking and meeting boys that don’t seem to even want to go out on “dates”, just hook-ups. I’m tired of trying to be “that girl”, working to please everyone. Any advice on how to have fun, yet still maintain my grades and sanity?

Dear That Girl:

Mimi knows it’s a rough world out there when you leave home. Being without the support of your parents and old friends makes all these new opportunities even more appealing and urgent. Mimi is very sympathetic to your plight. The availability of social activity 24/7 increases your fear of “missing out”. And social media constantly makes you feel inadequate because of the faulty perception that everyone else is having a better time or has a better life. Not true. Your generation has a lot of interesting hurdles put in place by rampant social media use (and abuse). It is time you ladies mature up, recognize what’s important, and as we discussed in a prior post, reflect on the You, On View and make some goals for your future.

Mimi is not recommending that you become a nun and study 24/7. You can still have fun and go out and mingle, but make a conscious decision to limit it – with whom and how often. Set a weekly goal, based upon your responsibilities of what days are practical to go out. Mimi says no to Sunday through Wednesday. Then, when you do go out, set a goal ahead of time for how many drinks you can safely have to still enjoy the fun, but be present in the moment and observant of what is happening around you. Also, set a timer for when you should call Uber for a ride home. Mimi thinks you might be surprised what you observe about others if you limit your alcoholic intake.

Lastly, a few other Mimi thoughts:

First, healthy friendships and relationships are those that thrive outside of the social media realm, night life or bar scene. If a girl or a boy does not talk to you during the day, but makes friendly or romantic advances only at night, forget it.

Second, try and limit your social media following and use. It is normal and okay to post and tweet, but make sure you see it for what it is: just mini snapshots of everyone’s life, often highly embellished and creatively edited.

Third, for your own sake, remember why you are at school in the first place – to get a good education and take advantage of the opportunities that it will afford you. The idea that college is for an “MRS” degree, is positively prehistoric and an insult to you and all women. Many women have worked hard for you to have the opportunity to go to college, or are now working hard to get a degree or excel in their professions. Take yourself, and your education, seriously. Understand that only you can take care of yourself and only you can decide to change the path you’re on. I know all young women really want to be respected, responsible and make good choices. So lets take “baby steps” in the right direction. Start having important conversations with your friends about changing these social dynamics and concentrate on being the best you.

Mimi

My quote at your age was, “Who was the idiot that thought putting a bunch of 18-year-olds together was a good idea anyway?” pretty much sums up what you’re feeling. As you can tell, Mimi has a lot to say about this issue, but our generation really is plagued by some serious social and dating issues. I think I’ve made every mistake a college student can make. I’m still alive and thriving, but these events, along with Face-Timing my parents while intoxicated, have sobered me up on many of these social issues, their use and abuse. Ironically, these issues are perfectly summed up in Vanity Fair’s recent article, Tinder and the Dawn of the Dating Apocalypse. I say we all read that article and make it a part of our conversation. I also think you should tell your parents to read it so that they understand the social and dating culture we are thrust into.

I’m all in for fun, but I’m also all in for me; my education and my well being. It’s tough to make these decisions, but after a few times of watching gross guys ogle or film girls dancing at a bar, you do start to think, “I think I have something better to do with my time.” We have some interesting responsibilities thrust upon us as the first generation of social media users with a burgeoning array of dating apps. I say we stop making it so easy for these guys, refuse “those apps” and “those guys,” and tell the “Tinder Kings” and “F-boys” to get some manners and take us on a date.

Mademoiselle

We love boys and we thought this issue might benefit from a guy’s perspective, so we asked the MDC to weigh in:

This is easy. Boys love girls. And given the opportunity, boys will hook up with girls. I will say for those of you who are interested in real relationships with real men, if a guy is on one of these sites, he’s already proving Darwinism still exists. He already cannot hack it in the real world. I could say the same for you girls on these sites, too. Let’s push this new messed up social scene into extinction. Real men and women don’t need these apps. Real men don’t treat women with disrespect. And ladies, you must begin to demand this respect if you want things to change. If you want real relationships, start by creating them. Stop being on the apps, start saying no and wanting less.

MDC