Q: I’ve been in a relationship for two months. We’ve been hanging out together and talking about being exclusive. After dinner one night, he dropped me off, kissed me goodnight and I never heard from him again. Yes, I was “ghosted”. I’ve been thinking I did something wrong. It’s giving me so much anxiety and I keep thinking that maybe he’ll call. I’m confused and out of sorts and having a hard time moving on. Any advice on how to get over this?
Dear Ghosted,
This ghosting term seems to be getting a lot of attention these days as dating manners, like many other types of manners, seem to be going by the wayside. What is even more interesting is that this act your generation is calling ghosting is the same as what we used to call getting “dumped”. Uh… this is nothing new. Mimi’s been ghosted and done her fair share of ghosting, too. We just didn’t have cell phones to shield us from our bad behavior. Mimi literally left a guy with his dessert… deserted.
We all have different reasons why dates don’t work out, and the longer the relationship and the more invested you are in one another, the more the decision deserves careful consideration. I would like to think if you two were really “serious,” defined by Mimi as exclusive and have met both sets of parents, are socializing with both sets of friends, etc. that the person calling off the relationship should have the strength of character to give you a reason for the break up. Not only out of respect for you and the past relationship, but for closure for both of you. However, if this was a short term relationship, based mostly on social media communications and limited in person communication (the talking kind), then you were doomed from the start. Especially if you met on a social dating site. However rude or hurtful being dumped is, the person doing the ghosting or deserting is the one with the problem. They fear the responsibility of the relationship or they want to avoid the conflict involved with hurting feelings and avoiding conflict. In this case, it really is them, not you. Don’t be afraid of these ghosts, they are out there and you just need to be a ghostbuster! In the words of Marilyn Monroe, “pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick and pull yourself together.”
Mimi
Yes, ghosting is a reality. Let’s face it, in this age of technology, there is a disposable attitude about dating, and it has made getting dumped an easier, faster and more painless process for the ghosted. Is it bad manners? Yes. Is there anything we can do about it? No. All we can do is change our own expectations and behaviors in response to this reality. If a lot of things in your relationship don’t take place in person, then it’s not real.
Mademoiselle
For more advice on the subject, check out The Psychology of Ghosting: Why People Do It and a Better Way to Break Up and “Ghosting:” the 21st Century Dating Problem Everyone Talks About, but no One Knows How to To Deal With.
The fine art of Shelly Lewis Stanfield
The Charleston Academy
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